cerita lucu

** Irish Logic **




A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"



The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.



"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?" he tries.



The two continue to stare.



"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.



"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.



The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"



"Why?" says the youth, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"



* The Oasis



Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. They're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.



They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.



"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."



So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water.



"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard! Custard?" splutter the two.



Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, "What kind of flippin' place is this?"



By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."



Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, "Bejabbers, Niall - this is a trifle bazaar."


** Gaffes **




* Famous People's Funny Gaffes



1) So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? Christina Aguilera



2) Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf: Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh in 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band.



3) If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it: Prince Philip at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting.



4) My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never, surrender to what is right: Dan Quayle [former Vice President USA]



5) Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal: General Eisenhower Allied Commander Europe in 2nd World War



6) If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive: Samuel Goldwyn



* Sporting Gaffes



1) I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Stuart Pearce [former England soccer player]



2) Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot: Ray Wilkins [former England soccer player] speaking on BBC1 TV.



3) For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip: John Motson - BBC TV football commentator.



4) Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer: David Acfield [former cricketer and TV commentator].


** Husband at Tesco Extra: based allegedly on a true story. **




Dear Mrs. Marsh,



Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.



We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused.



All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:



Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh



Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:



1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley’s when they weren't looking.



2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.



3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.



4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.



5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.



7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”



8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.



9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme tune.



10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “Pick me! Pick me!”



11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It's those voices again!”



And; last, but not least!



12. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"